Mama Mania

I'm all over the place.

Babies are all I think about.  And that initially sounds like I'm anxious for pregnancy and motherhood.  Well, calm down.  That's only part of it.  There are days I'm freaking out.  Because you know what they call us NFP folks.  Honestly, I'm a big fan of NFP.  Not only has it helped me understand my body and its patterns, but it has greatly increased my faith and trust.  To give up any plans of my own and to realize that I'm not actually in control.  God is sovereign, and He'll give me babies when He wants to!  And it shall be perfect.  But of course, I will always be growing toward this level of trust.

Anyway.

There are days of panic, because I am smack dap in the middle of a pregnancy scare.  I kid you not.  And we conveniently have neighbors whose kids scream.  All.  The.  Freaking.  Time.  Could this really potentially be my life soon?  More in the last year than ever in my life have I seen more temper tantrums, freak out sessions, and drama from humans under the age of 10. 

And to be honest, I think it's all pretty ridiculous.  I've also face palmed more in the last year ...

Not my idea of sanity. 

Then there's the fact that life isn't planned out.  I have so much more to do and see and figure out!  My dreams are lofty.  Will they die as my children are born?

Oh that age old question. 

But then.  I.  Just.  Realize. 

I have my moments of clarity in which I'm brought to tears thinking about my children.  MY children.  And I can't handle NOT being pregnant.  Because they have names already.  And ideas and techniques and theories surrounding how they'll be raised, and how much their parents (hey that's me!) will love them.  I see photos of other peoples' exploring, wondering, playing, laughing, joyful kids, and I just want photos of MY exploring, wondering, playing, laughing, joyful kids. 

Kids are obnoxious.  And I haven't yet pushed the idea out of my head that motherhood will be like 24-hour babysitting without pay.  Because yes, it's constant attentiveness and care and discipline.  But I'm coming to accept that there's so much more to it.  Midst the meal-planning and education and cleaning up vomit every 3 seconds, there's just something about raising tiny humans.  That something is more extraordinary than anything else I will do.  Of that I am convinced.

Am I ready for this?  We'll have to see if the time is now.