I know exactly what I want to do when I grow up. Yes, as a 25-year-old, I still have some growing to do. I thought this clarity would be freeing, and it often is. Whenever I am tempted to compare myself to someone else and their professional path, I can easily go back to thoughts on what's mine. It's then that I realize that there's nothing to compare, since I don't want their professional path anyway.
But there is still so much struggle. How to get there. How to make my time count towards it when I live overseas. How our future kids may factor in. I'm in the lull. I'm not even sure I should call it a lull because the preparation matters too. The balance between waiting and reflecting and searching and constructing and acting is difficult to find. Should I always act and think later? What are the actions? There's no particular right set of stepping stones, but I still long for some guidance. That's the thing, it's all on me. Even when others offer advice, I am unsettled. Because I need to start. Or keep going. The process needs to be mine first.
Sometimes I long for convention. I want to give up and find a normal job and live a normal life. Just to find stability or feel like I'm an adult. But then I say that out loud and want to slap myself.
So here I am. Living in the process. Finding some sort of way, and feeling like a late bloomer. Frustrated and frantic at times. But full of peace and yearning in others. Impatient with myself, but glad to be on an unorthodox and organic path.
Cheers.
Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the shadow
(T.S. Eliot The Hollow Men)
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